Mr Mxyzptlk's "Oh No" XI
Friday, July 25 2003This is my tribute to the mediocre. In every sport there are horrific failures of players who it seems had no merit of a place in their team to begin with. If you know that you are one of those players, do not read this article because few are safe from......
Mr Mxyzptlk's "Oh No" XI
Where to begin? In a sport of well over 250 international cricketers, the odds dictate that there are alot more than eleven of them who inspire a gasp and an "Oh no" from many a supporter. Still, I needed help in choosing the best XI of the worst, so I turned to the Cricket Web community and polled the forum as to their teams. The names which were fed back were, for the most part, none too surprising.
(Keep in mind that this is a Test team)
To begin the selection process, we start with the batsmen. Five is the number of unlucky bats which will play for my team.
The Nominees are
Imran Nazir (Test Bat Avge 32.84, FC Bat Avge 32.84)
Nazir averages the same in both Test and First Class cricket and neither average is anywhere near the hype which he received as a new Pakistani player. After numerous chances at International level, I think it's safe to say that Nazir is not the best young batsman in Pakistan.
Ashwell Prince (Test Bat Avge 16.81, FC 38.01)
Prince made his debut in the 2001/2002 season after an impressive 2000/2001 season where he scored 539 runs in 8 matches. Clearly this young man demanded selection. His 49 and 28 on debut were decent in the context of the South African batting, but since he has scored 108 runs in 9 innings. Prince debuted against a rampaging Aussie side, for a struggling team so I don't think he's not done enough to be selected.
Saleem Elahi (Test Bat Avge 18.95, FC Bat Avge 32.82)
Saleem Elahi picks himself in a team such as this. In 13 Tests and 24 innings, Elahi has just oozed class in scoring 436 runs at 19 per innings. Like Nazir, his FC average doesn't stand out, but in the past, the likes of Trescothick and Sarwan have proved domestic averages wrong. Sad to say, Elahi has not. To be fair to Elahi, he has compiled a good ODI record, but this is not an ODI team, so he'll be batting at the top.
Mathew Bell (Test Bat Avge 22.00, FC Bat Avge 34.85)
Another leading candidate for opening batsmen, the right-handed Bell has managed only 484 runs in his 13 Tests to date. He scored 4 runs in his first two Test innings and lasted a combined 16 balls in the two knocks. Sadly, Matthew will not be representing the team this time. His 105 against Pakistan in 2001 and a couple other fifties saves him this indignity.
Russell Arnold (Test Bat Avge 28.63, FC Bat Avge 42.65)
Russel Arnold's Test career has been in a downward spiral over the last two years. His average in Tests during that period stands at a less than mediocre 25.59. Over this period his career average has steadily dropped. His inconsistency is clearly evident in the fact that he has crossed 50 on average every 3 innings with one hundred, yet he scores just 25 per outing. He'll attempt to solidify my batting order.
Lou Vincent (Test Bat Avge 29.36, FC Bat Avge 29.18)
I must admit that I'm a Vincent fan and I've always hoped he would do well. Unfortunately, he's disappointed me time and time again. I looked at his First Class average at less than 30... for a specialist batsman! How did he get picked for the senior side anyway? That said, it takes guts to stand up to the Aussie attack and score a century on debut in a crucial match no less. For that Vincent gets a pardon, he will not play.
Matthew Horne (Test Bat Avge 28.38, FC Bat Avge 42.01)
Amongst the Cricket Web-heads, Horne seemed a fairly popular choice for this team. It's so incredible that a batsman of so much talent and will would be so inconsistent when it really counts. Horne has had season upon season of top cricket for Auckland, yet whenever he comes into the international fray, he struggles mightily. Horne makes the team because it's so clear what he could've been in contrast to what his stats say he is.
Mathew Sinclair (Test Bat Avge 37.93, FC Bat Avge 45.23)
The fourth Kiwi on this list, you're probably wondering what Sinclair is doing here with healthy averages in both Test and FC cricket. Consider that he scored 214 on debut and has since scored two other centuries including another double, yet he averages only 38 and the reasoning is more apparent. Regardless of that and the fact that he's passed 50 on only 4 occasions in his 33 innings since that 214, Sinclair will not make the XI.
Dion Ebrahim (Test Bat Avge 27.34, FC Bat Avge 27.91)
Dion Ebrahim is the only Zimbabwean nominee, which may surprise some. I figured that I'd give them a break seeing as they have enough problems to deal with right now. However, I just couldn't ignore Ebrahim's
Robert Key (Test Bat Avge 18.76, FC Bat Avge 33.76)
You had to see his selection from a mile away. Key is another one of my favourites (maybe I'm jinxing them...) but he has disappointed me no end. His 244 runs in 8 Tests are just not up to grade. Whilst Key will hopefully rebound and regain a successful place in the side, for the moment he will draw crowds for me. His 174 not out in a warm-up during the 2002/2003 Ashes in Australia is be better remembered than anything he's done at Test level. His incapacity to score runs against Zimbabwe lands him a spot in my middle order.
The Final Five:-
1/ Matthew Horne (NZ)
2/ Imran Nazir (Pak)
3/ Saleem Elahi (Pak)
4/ Robert Key (Eng)
5/ Russel Arnold (SL)
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On to the positions of resident allrounder and wicketkeeper. Now these two spots were harder to choose because of the lack of lack of quality in these positions. With players such as Kallis, Gilchrist, Boucher and of course Anthony McGrath proving World class cricketers in more than one field, you must surely sympathize.
Nevertheless, The Nominees for allrounder are:-
Justin Ontong (Test Bat Avge 20.50, FC Bat Avge 30.50, FC Bowl Avge 30.70)
As much as hate to move into the racial issues which surround the sport of cricket, it's undeniable that Ontong was initially selected to make up numbers. His name was twice nominated, more than any allrounder, in the Cricket Web poll. However, he's only played one Test and certainly was not the worst player in that Test, so I hereby strike his nomination.
Sean Ervine (Test Bat Avge 10.50, Test Bowl Avge 56.00, FC Bat Avge 33.07, FC Bowl Avge 49.43)
See Justin Ontong.
Ervine's only played 2 Tests but he was picked as an allrounder, yet his Test economy rate of 4.48 and FC econ. of 3.89 don't really inspire. I rate Ervine as a decent young batsman, but I wouldn't trust him to bowl an over unless the life of a piece of fried chicken depended on it.
Shoaib Malik (Test Bat Avge 17.00, Test Bowl Avge 40.50, FC Bat Avge 24.08, FC Bowl Avge 24.18)
Malik has only played two Tests and has not done all that much wrong to warrant a straight axing. That said, if his selection means the non-selection of Saqlain Mushtaq (a far superior off-spinner), then by all means he should be sacked.
Shahid Afridi (Test Bat Avge 32.50, Test Bowl Avge 31.47, FC Bat Avge 30.26, FC Bowl Avge 28.11)
Sahibzaha Mohammad Shahid Khan Afridi is a dynamite batsman. Unfortunely, his explosions are usually short and predictable in manner and length. His stats are not world-beating, but they aren't bad enough to warrant selection to this XI.
Ajit Agarkar (Test Bat Avge 15.47, Test Bowl Avge 46.57, FC Bat Avge 25.51, FC Bowl Avge 26.36)
When considering "shouldn't-be-rated" allrounders, one name springs to mind. The legend known to many as AA, but preferring to be called Ajit Agarkar. Agarkar's 35 wickets in 16 matches are incredible if only because he was persisted with for so many matches. His string of ducks against Australia is perhaps his second greatest achievement (after all it is a world record) but his crowning moment has to be his fiery hundred against England last summer. The Englishmen still hang their heads in shame.
Clearly there's a shortage of substandard allrounders in modern day cricket. Where have all the Kapil Devs, the Sobers and the Bothams gone? Thank goodness for good old Ajit, or else I would have had a problem.
The Allrounder:-7/ Ajit Agarkar (Ind)
We proceed...
The Nominees for wicketkeeper are:-
Ajay Ratra (Test Bat Avge 18.11 (13 dismissals), FC Bat Avge 24.29 (118 dismissals) )
Minus his unbeaten 115 on a flat batting wicket, and he would be averaging just over 5 with the bat. Ratra's glove work has been solid, but his batting has to improve if even slightly for him not to make my team.
James Foster (Test Bat Avge 25.11 (18 dismissals), FC Bat Avge 25.92 (122 dismissals) )
Foster's England callup had many a supporter scratching his (or her) head. It just seemed unbelievable and somewhat wrong that he would get the chance to replace Stewart (if temporarily) before other better wicketkeepers. While Foster is not a horrible player by any means, England could have done better. His keeping is far from top notch and his batting - ditto.
The Wicketkeeper:-6/ Ajay Ratra (Ind)
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We need 20 wickets to win a match and now it's time to search for the 4 bowlers who seem least deserving of the opportunity to get those wickets.
There are no nominees for the bowling attack because I could only find 4 worthy of mention. Here they are in no particular order:-
Richard Dawson (Test Bowl Avge 61.54, FC Bowl Avge 41.80)
Why Dawson? Of all the substandard spinners in England, why did they have to pick Dawson? It may just be me, but an average of over 40 per wicket doesn't inspire me that a bowler can trouble the Australian batting order or even a Zimbabwean lineup for that matter. His economy of 3.63 and SR of 101.4 speaks for itself. Richard Kevin James Dawson... at least his name sounds cool.
Mluleki Nkala (Test Bowl Avge 65.62, FC Bowl Avge 44.03)
There have been quite a few disappointing players in Zimbabwean cricket over the years, but Nkala takes the cake. In his 7 Test career, he's picked up just 8 wickets and has a SR of 132 to boot. It would be wrong for me not to allow Nkala the opportunity to shine for my XI.
Tinu Yohannan (Test Bowl Avge 51.20, FC Bowl Avge 33.29)
Tinu Yohannan is the poster child for the "I-am-not-worthy-of-a-place-but-you-picked-me-anyway" generation. For a player who clearly is not picked for his batting prowess, Yohannan is a very unimpressive cricketer. His bowling has never really looked up to scratch and his FC avge of 33.29 doesn't catch one's eye. Yes you may argue that the Indian pitches are dead and lifeless, but when the likes of Balaji and Salvi are tearing through batting lineups, I tend to notice.
Steve Harmison
I didn't want to have to resort to Harmison, but due to the lack of candidates, I had to. Harmison had a very unimpressive Ashes series statistically (but so did the rest of the England bowlers) and, until his 6/77 match figures in the 2nd Test against Zimbabwe this year, his bowling average suffered for it. He possesses good pace but lacks the control to put six balls on a spot in an over. As a favour to him, because in my opinion, he doesn't fully warrant his place in the side, I will make him honourary vice-captain.
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Now for the full "Oh No" XI...
1/ Matthew Horne (NZ)
2/ Imran Nazir (Pak)
3/ Saleem Elahi (Pak)
4/ Russel Arnold (SL)
5/ Robert Key (Eng)
6/ Ajay Ratra (Ind) - wicketkeeper
7/ Ajit Agarkar (Ind)
8/ Richard Dawson (Eng)
9/ Mluleki Nkala (Zim)
10/ Steve Harmison (Eng)
11/ Tinu Yohannan (Ind)
England and India hold the monopoly with three representees each in the XI (not that I'm counting....).
To round off proceedings, the naming of the captain.
For his unmatched popularity and fan following, the captain of the first Mr Mxyzptlk's "Oh No" XI is Ajit Agarkar (somehwhere, there are alot of happy people).
(Please note that there are no Bangladeshis on the team for the simple reason that I believe that any Bangladeshi cricketer deserves his place on his national side, no matter how (for lack of a better word) crappy he is.
Please send all questions, comments and general feedback to liam.camps@cricketweb.net
Posted by Liam